


Vergiß-mich-nicht

by Carnivorous_Comma



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Burns, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fire, M/M, Multi, OOC, OOC Astrid, POV Second Person, Second Chances, Warning: Trent Ikithon, blumendrei, outdated characterization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27953096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carnivorous_Comma/pseuds/Carnivorous_Comma
Summary: The Nein has a confrontation with a figure from the past. Face to face with Bren, the boy who disappeared from her life years ago Astrid hesitates.Ooo is that a cool summary? Sounds kinda cool. 2nd person Astrid reflecting on their childhood and speaking with this new person Caleb.I forgot to post this it is a year old~
Relationships: Astrid/Eodwulf/Bren Aldric Ermendrud
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Vergiß-mich-nicht

**“Please.” You gasp, magic in your hands unruly and ready to break free of your control. “Don’t make me do this.”**

**He’s there like some phantom from your past gaunt and old and tired but also filled with that familiar fire that sense that he shouldn’t be touched. That fire blazed at you.**

**His voice came calculated and even, it was hard to tell if that was the same voice it sounded ragged and a buried piece of you stirred. “I cannot make you do anything, your actions are your own.” There was almost a sense of surrender in his words, you can’t wrap your mind around it. Your allies fall around you beaten down by the man from your past’s companions. You hold the magic too long and for the first time in years you hesitate, the overcast spell shorts in your hand bolt of energy flooding to the nearest conduit, back up your arm. It’s a shrieking pain one you had been unwilling to inflict upon this ghost standing before you. It’s just enough to knock you unconscious, under the assault of magic and blades a few crossbow bolts landing between ribs you are spent watching the figure loom before you before everything turned black.**

  
  


_Childhood is not a word you associate with freedom or joy. It has always been a strict feeling, that tension filled straightened spine that if, for a moment, relaxed would be punished. A thin line that had to hold still, be perfect, a misstep was inexcusable. It was endless nights filled with books and figures, these things you had loved and found comfort in somehow twisted into instruments of anguish. You were no longer able to want to read, you had to, if you didn’t you’d fail and all those expectations riding on you would bury you in their disappointment. It was a suffocating life. But perhaps not completely devoid of hope and small sparks of joy. There were your partners in crime, the comrades in arms, those people who somehow worked up the strength to still smile at you, that you could still smile at. They are such intangible memories, it didn’t take long before they’d all been battered to the point that smiles were just another tool, something you use to win someone's trust before you stab them in the back. You don’t know when the last time you smiled in earnest was, perhaps one of those late nights books open and candles lit but no one studying. Conspiratorial laughs so quiet but a rebellion in themselves, trying to play those games that normal kids played where you pretend you didn’t want to kiss until the bottle points to you._

_Wulf snuck snacks out of the kitchen, covering his tracks with the semi substantial markings of rats lurking in the pantry. He almost gave an artistic touch to the fake crime scene, you’d laughed so quietly he could barely hear patting him on the back. Bren was the hardest to convince and had still spent half the night studying while you and Eodwulf had quietly poked fun at him. After watching his ears turn their signature crimson he closed the book carefully and sat on the floor next to them pouting like he’d been offended. Wulf mimicked his pout before grabbing him silently and playfully mussing his hair. You laugh but quiet, so quiet only you three can hear. His facade fails and he too laughs silently managing to wriggle out of Wulf’s halfhearted grip._

_You did study a bit, it sometimes seemed that studying was your only personality trait. You studied and worked and did what He told you and that was just how you lived. You also lied about it writing back to families with contents entirely invented. Telling them how glad you are for this opportunity and how great things were going and how special you were for being chosen. They would write back that they were proud and it bolstered you a bit, their pride was one of your only sources of sustenance. You were sure that if that praise went away and this life was all you had left you’d melt away or go mad._

_You sometimes daydream in class. About one of them kissing you or the other and then both at once hands trailing against bodies. Or more specifically you did one time before being immediately discovered and punished for it. You don’t even remember the form the punishment took but maybe you’d been locked in a room with a scorching fire and pile of odds and ends spell components. Maybe you’d been left halfway suffocating until you concocted enough of a spell to create a door out. Maybe it had been something different like being transformed by polymorph again and again until you trained your mind to resist the effects. Maybe it’s just been that time when you were locked in one of those chairs, the ones where they put the people you hurt. Surely it was what you had deserved the discipline you’d needed._

_It was all for the greater good, it couldn’t be an easy path, the path to greatness. It couldn’t be a clean path, the path to power. It wasn’t in vain, that was all that mattered. This pain would hold in place their lessons, make them the sharp blades to defend the empire, to keep everyone safe and happy. It was worth it, for the empire._

_It didn’t feel good to kill, it was just something you did. Like a breath of air, it was what you did. There were times when you thought the question, why, what could they have done to deserve this? But you never asked because you knew, they were traitors, spies, our enemies. If we showed them compassion, mercy, even an inch of leniency they’d turn on us as quickly as a snake bites. We were the defenders, the ones who fought before a war even began._

_It didn’t leave much room for childhood or adolescence, being a soldier. But it was your sacrifice, the burden you carried, for the empire. It still left those moments when you’d feel Bren sneak his hand into yours and you’d chide him, tell him to stand up straight. Or when Wulf fell asleep in your bed and you had to create an entire ruckus for him and Bren to sneak away. But something had changed, those moments were stolen, bits of time when you should have been practicing or preparing and you were wasting it. It somehow made it even more valuable, each second a vital resource you’d spent on Bren or Eodwulf._

_Things didn’t really change, this was what you’d been trained for. You were the blade of the empire, it was your duty to snuff out insurrection, to dispose of traitors who wormed their way into the empire, profiting from the protection the crown provided. It had hurt to hear that your parents were traitors, you loved them still but you knew what was right it was a solemn event. You watched Eodwulf complete his mission, his naturally stony expression almost seemed relieved. The hardest part was this, there couldn’t be anything more difficult than punishing your own parents. It was sad that they didn’t know loyalty, that they couldn’t rest in the warm embrace of the empire. It was truly better this way. You hadn’t felt much when your childhood home went up in flames, it felt like that part of you had been numbed from the years, there was no hesitation and no doubt. This was the only way things could be._

_Bren went last as Wulf’s expression of relief began to strengthen, your mission almost complete. Everything went the same, house engulfed in flame no escape the traces of familiar voices, screams rising faintly from the roaring blaze. The screams rising in volume as the flames began to devour the occupants. You turned to say something to Bren, maybe of solidarity but as you turned his face had changed it was crumpled contorted into a face you’d seen many times on the traitors you interrogated. It was the vision of terror a scream personified, as the wails rose he screamed out with them dropping to his knees senseless, and he screamed. You’d heard many screams before even from Bren on occasion, but this was something different and you were scared. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, you did what you were told. You grab him trying to shake some sense into him and make him remember where you were. He doesn’t budge staring at the rising wall of flame, that unending ghastly shriek piercing the air. You glance at Wulf, he looks at a loss concern fighting the quiet stoic expression he knew he should always carry, the emotionless face that hid his feelings. When you turn back to him he changes, he's no longer a boy but an effigy of flame. His fingers dancing in some manic form of casting and suddenly there are flames licking up your own body and you jump desperately away frantically trying to extinguish yourself. As Bren disappears in those flames you feel that cold presence approach the engulfed form of Bren at the edge of your vision. He says something to him but it's quiet and the raging fires have grown loud. You don’t move just watching out of the corner of your eye as He casts and Bren falls unconscious in the dirt magic flames instantly doused._

_“Pick him up.” The cold voice orders and Eodwulf obeys hoisting Bren onto his shoulder._

_You return home, your new home where you’ve trained for so long, this was supposed to be a celebration of your final test before you were deemed ready, your graduation exam. You’re sent to bed and Wulf carries Bren off following behind Him. You wait for Wulf to return to tell you what’s happening and it isn’t long before he does._

_“Where’s Bren?”_

_“He had me put him in the dungeon, and then kicked me out.”_

_You don’t understand, everything was going perfect, then something had happened to Bren. You’re worried._

_Wulf leans into you almost going to touch before pulling back._

_“Are you-?” He stops again hesitating around his words._

_“I’m fine.” You almost spit cause for some reason his concern hurts. Validating the wound, the injury from someone you thought would never hurt you._

_Your fingers touch the burns and they hurt but somehow that pain feels better._

_The next time you see him he doesn’t look at you, you talk and plead but he doesn’t move. It’s like someone sucked out his soul and left his husk of a body empty, cold, unmoving. You are only allowed to see him for a short time before He orders you to some other task and you can tell it's not that important it's just something to distract you while He deals with whatever's wrong with Bren._

_You don’t see him again. He tells you that he wasn’t strong enough to defend the empire that he was too weak to do what had to be done. You don’t want to believe it but you remember his face, the horror and now he hardly seemed like a person. He’d gotten broken somehow and a shattered sword couldn’t protect anyone. It hurt but it was true. You never knew what became of him but you never saw him again and never asked. You became what you were destined to be agents of the empire, tasked with its protection. You thought of him less and less as you did more things, killed and tortured. Participated in the web of strategy and subterfuge weeding out these dynasty spies taking their weapons before they could use them against the empire. Fighting became who you were, this time with less people anchoring you. You still found private moments with Eodwulf, but something had changed without Bren, it was like the sight of one another was a grim reminder. This is what happened when you failed, you became an empty spot._

_It was better to remain professional, letting emotion rule you is what led Bren down the wrong road. It was better this way. You never learn what happened to Bren until suddenly you are attacked, an ordinary intelligence mission, that was all it was. You were stupid to have not seen it coning but by the time you do half your forces are crushed engaging in half concocted plans, really a pitiful showing from who were supposed to be the empires best and brightest. It was when you saw that haunted figure that the battle truly turned. The revenant who you thought had been erased completely from your mind suddenly sprung up, magic shooting off in his familiar castings all precise angles and careful intonation. It had rattled you just when you thought you’d become unflappable, you lost._

  
  
  
  


**You rise from consciousness and it surprises you. He’d been at your throats he and his companions, they tore through with little restraint and yet somehow you lived. You felt the sting of manacles and realized what it was, it was to be interrogation. Torture. Rising into a sitting position you meet his eyes and some of that suspicion and hostility died.**

**“Bren.” You say and you can feel all the other words tucked into that one. You’re alive, you attacked me, you left us, how could you leave us.**

**“Astrid.” After that intense battle you look into his eyes and you can see it, there's that same softness. The same look he gave you soft over his shoulder when he thought you weren’t looking. When he stared at you when he thought you were asleep, fingers tangled delicately in your hair. It still remained in his eyes after all these years.**

**“Why?”**

**_Why do your eyes still look that way?_ **

**He seemed half taken aback before he again brought that hard facade up.**

**"Why did I spare your life? I wonder about that myself."**

**"Why did you leave us?" You hadn't really organized your thoughts, they just started to spill out. The secret things that you'd kept to yourself, the stray thoughts you'd believed buried, dead and gone.**

**His face cracked into a hard line, an unfamiliar expression on an unfamiliar face, it had been too many years. Did you really expect him to remain the same boy? Pretend he hadn't broken and been taken away, just pick it back up again like nothing had changed.**

**The piercing blue eyes dug into yours.**

**"Why did you stay? You witnessed the same things that I did. We both tortured and killed without any explanation. We both sacrificed innocents, all in pursuit of this better future that He promised. You did stay, can you tell me how wonderful a world he has crafted? All that I see is war, scrambles for power without a regard for who must be stomped underfoot to achieve it. All I see are those without blame, those who had no power to give up manipulated and puppeted into the power play He orchestrates. How can you be involved in this shameless destruction. How can you justify these things?"**

**He paused blazing eyes burning into yours, searching.**

**"I-" The words caught in your throat the vengeful figure demanding excuses, explanations for the way you've lived your life.**

**"You can't speak to me like somehow you're my superior. You lost any right to judge me when you left crying at the things you'd done. At least I had the strength to stay and deal with my actions like an adult. It's been seventeen years, if you wanted to get some kind of justice for those deaths you should have come calling sooner. I have nothing to explain to you. We serve the empire, more than you ever have. You've been consorting with our enemies selling our secrets and strategies away. How can you claim to be a better force for the good of all than me. You're disgusting just the shell left over, you failed and you couldn't hack it and decided to try and break all those better than you. I can't believe this is what became of you, I can't believe I ever worried about you."**

**You were crying a bit but balanced it out by glaring, staring at him, this stranger who looked like the boy you used to love.**

**"Do you really not feel bad about any of it?"**

**"Of course it feels bad but that's my responsibility, my burden that I carry not one I foisted onto the people who I was supposed to care about. At least I didn't abandon the people who loved me."**

**"But we all did. We left them in burning buildings when they had done nothing wrong."**

**"It was necessary!" You yell, this is the one fact you have to hold on to. They'd deserved it as much as it hurt and as saintly as people behaved there was always something, some action that harmed the empire. If they weren't with you they were against you.**

**"Did you not find the memories odd, not once picked them apart? Not once suspected that someone had tampered with you? It was all a lie, our parents and likely others that you've known to be traitors were really completely innocent."**

**"You may have had to be persuaded but** **I knew what I was doing."**

**He looked to his side and you could see that at a distance was a camp with those people who'd been in the fight huddled around.**

**"Caduceus."**

**One of the forms, a large thin figure approached. As he came into reach of Bren's glowing lights you were again surprised by how frivolous this band of random people were. He was very pink and, despite the tense situation, walked casually with a soft expression.**

**"Yeah, Mr. Caleb?"** **_Caleb?_ **

**"If you could cast that spell I asked you about?"**

**"Oh yeah, of course just gimme a sec."**

**You stiffen as the man steps closer to you knowing he was gonna try something.**

**"Now now, let's just calm down, this spell should help. We had to go into town to get the materials, they're really very nice." He pulled out a small pouch likely holding spell components.**

**"Okay let's see now." He focused for a second saying a word and moving his arms in the recognizable motion of casting and glittering gem dust floated from the bag drifting through the air and forming into runes before bursting into a pulse of green energy against your temples. You pulled against the binding but couldn't get free enough to form a counterspell. The spell took hold, a warm and gentle embrace that seemed to soothe your aches and ease some of the tension you'd had. You sighed knowing that many spells can leave a euphoric feeling such as enchantment spells. Looking at those around you there was no sudden burst of friendship; they were still your captors.**

**You tried to grin at them.**

**"Sorry, but looks like your spell didn't work. Unless you've got another pouch of diamond dust?"**

**You try to sound unbothered but something had changed it was like your brain had been scrubbed clean. There were things you hadn't even realized you'd forgotten. Things that were important that you couldn't believe you'd simply forgotten. There were memories there still, the false ones that when set next to the real were even more obvious in their deception. There were lies in your mind, someone had rewritten things, changing it to suit their needs. Bren was right, and you remember the night you heard your parents plotting, lying plans for sedition and rebellion, besmirching the noble names of the Dwendalian Empire. You remember their excited voices whispering about how well you looked and how proud they were that you’d come so far. Saying that you’d become a beacon for the future of the empire. But also they thought you looked a little too thin like you needed to eat more. They gossiped about your relationship with the other kids you’d gone to Rexxentrum with, how you seemed pretty close and they wondered if you’d fallen in love.**

**They were innocent, their guilt was pure fantasy instilled in your mind to motivate you, manipulate you. You weren’t a soldier, you were a puppet robbed of will and led to a tune you didn’t even hear half of.**

**“Why? Why would you show me these things?” Hot tears ran down your cheeks but you blinked them away.**

**“Do you feel better, tying these weights to me as well?” You struggle to your feet still bound and awkward but unable to take this sitting down.**

**“Why do you always ruin everything? How were we not enough for you.” You wished you’d let that fireball loose right in his face.**

**His face was etched with pain unfamiliar and strange lines on the once familiar visage. You feel old beside this man who was once your companion. His fingers itch idly across scarred arms matching so closely your own. A broken man who makes you feel so much more hopeless. What had you done all this time while he had been locked away in that asylum. What had you done while you pretended not to notice tried to learn not to care. Had the both of you, all three of you, been used and wasted all these years.**

**“What do we do now? Find Ma- Trent and assassinate him? Get revenge for all his lessons and schooling? Stop him? The most powerful man in the empire?”**

**“I know these things are silly to think. That it would be foolish to try and do anything against that man. But I do have plans, things that may take time, ways to become more powerful so these things are not mere fanciful dreamings. It is presumptuous of me to consider but we could find ourselves aligned again, working for the true good of the empire not just of those who wield the power.” He seemed drained by the speech unable to look you in the eyes. He was so very different now, but you could see the spark of his old self still there. You peer around at his allies who all looked a little confused realizing you’d fallen into your mother tongue quite quickly. You don’t yet speak common.**

**“These friends of yours, they seem powerful.”**

**“Oh yes,” A smile pulled at the corner of his lips. “They are very powerful.”**

**“So you have a plan?”**

**“Perhaps the start of one or at least a goal, a goal I could share with you.”**

**“A goal? That may be enough for you but I’ll figure out a plan. Get me out of these restraints please.”**

**He stepped forward as the other members of his band looked on uneasily.**

**“Caleb, are you sure she's not going to try and murder you? Or us?” The small goblin still looked suspicious, her crossbow notched and ready.**

**“No, I am not. But a little faith goes a long way, yeah?”**

**You groan as the bindings are released regaining the power of your hands and all the spells requiring them.**

**“As glad as I am to suddenly have changed teams the best thing I can do right now is return. If I’m missing for much longer he will start to suspect and certainly an eye on the inside is quite useful.”**

**“Will you be safe?” You could almost hear the echo of care in those words, the way those emotions had dulled over the years but could still be seen glittering beneath the rust.**

**“When have any of us been safe in this world?”**

**He nodded, extending his arm. You clasped it tightly, how long had it been. How many times had you imagined seeing him again before stuffing the fantasy aside and suddenly here you were like you’d stepped back in time. He always did bring out the worst and best in you.**

**You’d thought after all these years you knew where you were heading, knew to leave the past where it lay. But again it reared its head for one last tussle. You’d have to rearrange everything again, start to view Him as the enemy he was. No more indulgent naiveté.**

**“I’ll send you a message after you get back, okay?” The tiefling chirped seeming to have abandoned her ill will far too quickly.**

**“Yes, we will keep in touch. Perhaps you can make your own plans as well.” You half taunt, that old camaraderie slipping into your tone.**

**He huffed as close to a laugh he seemed able to summon looking into your eyes.**

**“We have never been very good at making plans.”**

**Author's Note:**

> This is super old so out of character Astrid cause we hadn't met her yet. I figured it was better to post this then just continue to collect dust in my desktop. I want to see more Eodwulf in new eps he's pretty cool. Also paladin wizard or just an arcane knight? I love some Blumentrio.


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